i just fell like dying....everything is good for the most part but then wh do i feel like it would be better to die.....the only thing that keeps me hear are my friends because they wouldnt forgive me...but i still feel like dying

fuck food who needs it.. i can even eat bite without feeling like shit. i made pasta an ate one bite before i was like i might throw up

so i just realized how fucked up our world is. vanity is our down fall. im at my cousins house aand my lil cousin has a bown a cereal read the nutrition facts and wow was like reading fat grams and shit. my older cousins thinks she fat but she no trust i would say its fuckedup the pressure

my body is so sore from working 5am to 3pm this past week its worht but i dont want to do it i miss ny. i want to see my friends and party. this saturday i will party hard. who knows what that will bring, i might do something i regret or nor but either way. im going to enjoy myself

how far should on go. how long should you wait. i dont know. when is enough enough. the more i think about it the more i need a vecation. a place to go where know one knows. a place to go to think and i dont know maybe never return

what do you do when the one thing that you need to tll people you cant tell because you know the outcome and it would just make things worst. do you still do it or do it hold it in. because if you tell you feel better about that and it wont way you down but then you have a new issue to deal with . or do you keep it in and hope that time does it job and move on. Is it wrong wanting to disappear start a new life with no backround brand new leaving ur friends and family behind never to seee them again. is it wrong to feel this way so emotionally dissturbed by your own doing and by your heart that you cant control destroy you. or do jsut go on ith life like nothing is wrong and pretend to be ahppy so people think ur happy......pooof .....im gone

so its tuesday morning extremmly tired i have to go the library to print shit out for class today. i think the reason im so tired is because i abuse my body everynight with partying and drugs. idk..ihsve a problem i have money i have to spend it on something and drugs are jsut around....w.e
i dig my own grave.

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so this my first blog.. kinda cool..

 

how do i start off um...

this year of school has been insane. i dont regret anything so far except one..

but i have met and made some amazing people and friends. i look back now which is not that long and how they changed me and visa versa is total shocker. and as much memories and happy times that will stick with me for ever and shape my future.

and with all that going for me..i feel depressed and i dont know why..this  is not one of those things complaining about their lives..its more of ive realized certain things and they scare me.

shit lately has really torn me up over. stuff going on with my mom and personal shit its literally destroying me. i put on the face around people so know one will realize but thy dont know. its like friends and i will watch a hilarious movie and all i want to do is curl up and cry. the thoughts in my head and the feelings in my heart hurts...

the thoughts in my head make me doubt myself like am i doing the right thing am i suppose to be here at school. will i ever make it. or how i dont have a home..i mean yea i have my family to go to but i dont have place to be like this is my bed...my comfort zone. where do i go for the summer. i sometimes just disappear for like two weeks.

Also my dad that one thing that makes me cry at night is that i have so many memories when i was lil of having fun going camping,,, him being my hero....but that is no longer...i dont know exactly how but some how we fell apart and i barely even talk to him any more and i sometimes wonder if he really did love me and why did this happen. i miss him but he'll never know..

 

recently to is my heart feels like breaking for my mom i cant understand her why she does the stuff she does she says it for the best but im old enough to realize she doesn't always do the best decisions, don,t get me wrong i love her to death and would die for her, but sometimes i feel like i need to stand up to her and say stop look what your doing. but im to afraid.......i love you mom

and  my friends are my only comfort zone but i don't know.. well i do but i cant tell them how i really feel sometimes or what's going on with me. my heart is broken and i cant cry as much i want to or need to. my friends are my life they are what get you though life more than family. and what happens when you feel like you need to tell someone something but have to hold it in because you know that will make things weird or ruin  things between you.  what do you do when you just want be like you mean the world to mean i hope to never lose you. or tell them how you feel and would do anything for them. me as person would bend over backwards for any of my friend near or far you need help ill do my best to find a solution get you what you need to happen. but there's one friends where i would bend backwards and back again. to make sure that person is happy and im glad we're friends and i think we were meant in life to meet,,, cheesy right but it's true..

yet im unhappy and i want to change and need to change so if you have any advice please help me out. cause i hate feeling sad 24/7